My Heart Belongs to Thee.... and Thee... and Thee... and (the wee little) Thee

My Funny Valentine's

How lucky am I? Seriously?

Those eyes

That smile

That gaze

 That kiss

bliss

Love is Patient

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part." Captain Corelli's Mandolin


This reflects where we are now... in this 17th year of marriage. The madness has subsided... the falling has settled to a slow waltz. We are so entwined with one another that there is no vision outside of one another. It's been a strange year. We have a new little boy in our lives. A little boy, of which, I cannot get enough of. We have two older boys that occupy our time. There have been many moments of frustration with one another. Sometimes we aren't on the same page when it comes to this parenting thing and it worries me. I feel that we are failing the boys when this happens. Of course... then I remember... The most important thing that we do for our children is to love and respect one another. I believe that our children pick up on this...the love of one parent for another... more than they pick up on our love for them. Our love for them is a given, whereas, our love for our partners takes a commitment. THAT takes work and respect. I know that what I say is true, because nothing pleases our children more than mommy and daddy time. These are the lessons they will carry with them into adulthood, not whether they ever made it to bed on time or watched too much television.  Our children will leave us... They will march headlong into their own loves and futures, but Joe is my partner for life. It is up to me to show him that he is loved and appreciated.


He is my partner. All of the roads of my life have led me to him... to these children... to this moment. I am thankful to God for leading me here and I am grateful for His grace that carries us through the difficult times. He (and he) completes me.

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: faith, hope, and love; but the greatest of them all is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:

The Story of Dash

Dash was scheduled to arrive on September 13th. True to his name, he had a faster plan in mind. The night of September 9th, I made sure that my bag was packed, down the the last minute items. I took my antibacterial shower and had no intention of eating breakfast before my final doctors appointment and pre-surgery interview at the hospital on September 10th. In a word, I knew. I thought.

I woke up the next morning and insisted that my bags be placed in the car. Joe just figured it was just typical manic me. He dawdled, so I did it myself. I don't like dawdling. The boys were both sick so we took them  to grandmas for the day. I held back tears as I kissed them goodbye, knowing that I wouldn't see them at home that night. I also held back tears because I yelled at Daniel just as we left the house. He was upset because I didn't let him carry my suitcase and he cried, so I yelled... Instantly I felt horrible. He just wanted to help his mommy and I was taking it out on him because his daddy didn't do it.

I go to my doctors and get my exam. At this point I'm having contractions, which I assumed were Braxton-Hicks. As we were in the waiting room, I asked Joe if it seemed like my ow-ow-ow's were coming about every eight minutes. He said indeed they are, so I began timing them. I tell the doctor that I feel that the baby has dropped because I can hardly walk with all the pressure. He told me that he didn't see any signs of Dash dropping and that I hadn't dilated at all. He said, though, that he didn't want me to wait until the last minute if anything changed over the weekend, saying he had nothing better to do anyway :).  Being as I hadn't (according to him) dropped or dilated, I didn't see the need to tell him that I had been having "braxton hicks" all morning running at five minutes apart. (Thank you trusty i-phone)

Truth is, although this is my third child, I wouldn't have known a contraction if it came along and slapped me in the face. I was induced with Matthew, so I did experience labor, but labor under a pitocin drip is much more intense than what I was experiencing on this day. I was terrified of going into labor and delivering this child at home. I was more terrified of looking foolish.

But I digress. Joe and I head over to the hospital to pre-register and to get lab work done. I feel silly for thinking that I had dropped. I feel silly for not being able to shake the false contractions. So when Joe tells me that I should go ahead and eat something since I'm having labwork, I do. He brings me a tuna sandwich... Yeah, tuna. An hour into waiting for my appointment, I'm still timing contractions. Joe just grins. When I go back to have my labwork done, I mention that I think I may be having false labor. She notices that we live in Conroe, so she suggests that I may want to run up to L&D just to be safe. No sense in driving all the way home, she says. She calls Dr. Schettler, whom I had just left a few hours before and he recommends that I go also. At this point, the contractions stop. I'm sweating on the inside and clutching my stomach every five minutes anyway. I've decided to keep up the charade. The damage is now done, and again... I don't want to look foolish. :) All the time, I;m answering questions, I keep cutting my eyes at Joe, mouthing my apologies. He has so much work scheduled for the afternoon and now I'm worried that I've blown his whole day, all on a whim. He just smiles.

We go up to L&D and we see Dr. Schettler at the desk. He just grins (men) and says well at least you haven't eaten anything.... I glare at Joe and explain to the good doctor that Joe made me eat. He just shakes his head.... and smiles. The next thing I know, I'm in the lovely backless gown provided by the hospital being strapped up to the monitor. The nurse interviews me for 20 minutes or so, as I lay there looking foolish. I assume that this whole time she's watching the steady flat line of my uterus, getting ready to send me home. She then flips a switch.... looks stunned... and says "are you having any pain right now?" I tell her that I'm feeling some pain, but nothing serious. She then informs me that I have been contracting the entire time and that they are 2 minutes apart! She is stunned that I can actually hold a conversation. I burst out laughing and grinning (my turn now). I feel utterly elated and vindicated and I tell Joe that "Men... They don't know nothing about birthing no babies!" I'm gloating... I KNEW it! I was RIGHT! hahahaha. I told you I was having contractions! And so it went. I laugh maniacally until I realize that within hours our new son will be here! There are things that didn't get done! The boys aren't prepared!

By this point, my blood pressure is spiking and the word is I have borderline preecclampsia. They prepare me and walk me back to the OR. They sit me down and curl me forward as they insert the spinal line into my spine. The room is freezing cold and sterile. Suddenly, I'm nervous. So many things run through your head, most of which involve my babies already at home. I miss them and need them here with me. I worry... They lay you down on the table with your arms out to the side in  the shape of a crucifix. The spinal begins to work and it feels as if I can't breathe. I think the dose is a bit too high and he gives me oxygen and tells me to squeeze his fingers. My pulse rate is erratic, so they give me another med to combat that. Joe is at my head. I feel the tugging and pulling and then I hear his cries. They are angry, lusty beautiful wails and they continue... until they carry him to me. I speak to him and tell him thats it's lovely to finally meet him. Instant silence as he hears the voice that has been with him for months. I cried.



We are apart for hours as I lay shivering from the spinal wearing off. The cold you feel is indescribable. Joe is with Dash at first as they assess him and clean him, then he is with me again. there is more to the story of Dash, but I'm going to stop here for now. I want some time to process the rest.


Jacob Dashiell Asaro
September 10th 2010
7 pounds 9 ounces - 20 inches long

First Day of Kindergarten Blues

reason# 10,010

Who would have thought that I, as involved as I am, would have such a hard time letting my kindergarten child go on the very first day of school? It was an eye-opening experience that I won't forget any time soon. 

   My little one was so excited about school, that I was completely unprepared for his unraveling as I sat him down at his table. He looked up and me with his beautiful eyes and asked me to please stay with him. I hugged him and told him that mommy had to go but that I knew he would have an amazing day. I stood up and walked out as he clung to his daddy begging him to please let him go home, for just today. He wasn't ready, he whispered. I stood by the lockers outside of the room, crushed, as other parents walked out with much more strength than I had at the moment. I had an image of running in and picking him up in my arms as we bolted the halls together. Just then, Mrs. Fossler, our school counselor, rounded the corner. I told her that it was MY kid having a meltdown and that daddy wasn't about to leave him. You see, his daddy is worse than I am. Well, of course, Mrs. Fossler knows that the best way to deal with this situation is also the hardest. Just leave, brave parents, he'll be fine. She sat with him for a few minutes and ushered Joe out of the classroom. He and I peeked into the window one last time, watching as he stared at the door, waiting for our return.

Normally, as PAW president, I would stay for a while, do a meeting or two, but I knew that today my only option was to leave. So we left and went home to a silent house. That is when, dear parents, I lost it. I cried. I missed him so much. It dawned on me that the first time I went through this with my oldest son, I came home to a two year old. I worried all day about the little things. Would he be able to open all of his lunch packages? Will he be able to manage his buttons? Will he ever find his way home to me? The little things. :)

All I can say is this... It was the longest six hours of my life. We could not wait one second longer as we headed back up to the school to gather our children. We drove up. As my youngest climbed into the car, I asked him about his day. He informed me that it was a great day and that he was ready for tomorrow! He told me about how much fun he had and that he made friends just like I said he would. I was stunned. At the end of the day he was fine and I was a wreck. I am so proud of my big boy and I am looking forward to another great year at Creighton!

Reason# 10,009 - He loves US! How sweet is that.

Joe says he loves US. Not just me, but us... as a couple. During a conversation, he informed me that he has always seen us as a good team. We play well together. I've always known this and others have always seen this, but I was never sure if Joe did. To hear him say it just takes my breath away. We balance each other out. When the kids frustrate one of us to the point of anger, the other steps in. When one is sick or dealing with a hardship the other is always there to lead us through it. Since the very beginning we have always managed to fill in the gaps. A wise person once told me that love is NEVER 50/50. Truer words have never been spoken. In the best relationships, there will always be one pulling the other out. When one is weak, the other is strong. He has never said anything more romantic...

It's My Party (that I don't want) and I'll Cry if I Want To

Matthew I understand completely
enough is enough already

I have been a giant fuzzy ball of emotional mush lately. I cry for an hour at a time. It isn't a pretty dainty cry, but the ugly puffy face cry. I have never had an emotional pregnancy such as this one. Of course, then I worry about the harm I'm doing to this child I'm carrying and I read that emotions lead to extra cortisol which lead to an emotional baby as well. Today I cried for hours because a few dear friends want to have a baby shower for me... and I DON'T WANT TO. Why? Because I'll cry... that's why. I also feel  uncomfortable having a third baby shower. Yes, its been five years... and yes I've given away almost everything baby related, and yes, every baby deserves a celebration but I just DON'T WANT TO. I don't have the energy, or the patience, or the desire to be the center of attention right now, what with my puffy red face and mucous. It doesn't help the fact that my sister-in-law questioned the etiquette of it all to ME... the emotional one... who didn't want to have one in the first place. I just have the desire to stick my tongue out at her right now.

Of course, I cry over school starting and Daniel venturing out into the world of education. I cry because I'm not ready to be a PTO mom and president again right now when all I really want to do is lay on my side and feel Dash roll around and watch him practice to breathe. I cry because I really WANT to be at the school as much as I can, but I know I won't be able to and I know I'm letting a lot of people down, even though they keep telling me how unimportant I really am in the grand scheme of things.  I cry because we didn't spend enough time reading together this summer... or camping together... or playing together.

I cry because my sweet husband tells me that if he were home all day like I am, he would choose to home-school the kids and would do just fine thank you very much. (yes, he knows he's a jerk and yes he apologized and yes he appreciates me and NO he wouldn't be able to handle it just fine thank you very much.)

Ok, that's enough for now

Other things that make me cry

Books - The Last Christian
Movies - The Last Song
Commercials - The foundation for a better life gets me every single time
Blogs - http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html
TV - NICU

Reason# 10,008

We were so young 

 I have the most amazing husband... ever. Seriously. Who else would get up at 6:00 am to cook lasagna for the PTO? Or clean anything that I can't bend down to do? Or read a book beside me in bed until we both fall asleep? I have to admit reading beside him was quite alluring.... I had to work really hard to keep my hands off of him. I should stop now... Reason# 10,008

‎"People will tell you that this kind of love will fade
That bein in love like this is only a phase
But baby after all this time ain't nothin changed
All you gotta do is look at me that way

 There ya go

Makin me fall in love again
Oh and I gotta tell ya

Theres nothin better
Than you and me together
Workin on forever" 

~ Kelly Pickler ~ Makin me fall in love again

Danielisms

Daniels boots

Dad: "Daniel, stop going outside without your shoes on."

Daniel: "Everybody's a Critic"

#Danielism of the day

Backstory: We were in a hurry to leave. Daniel wasn't. He kept insisting that he wear his red rain-boots to the store.

Reason# 10,006 AND 10,007

Honeymoon

Just when I think I will never survive the next 30 days in my cumbersome, roly-poly stage of pregnancy, my husband says Thank You. "Thank you for carrying my children" as he bends down to put on my shoes, of which I am tired of doing. He also cooked an amazing dinner last night, followed by a healthy fruitful (speaking of fruitful) breakfast this morning. I love him so much and I am honored to carry his children.

Maternity Overnight Bag (check)

baby Stuff

My hospital bag is officially checked off of my list of things to do! Of course I still have six weeks to go, but you never know when you may need to be prepared. I'm having a C-section, so there are some things that I don't need... and others that I need more of since I already know I'll be there for at least three days.

List of essentials:

Mom:


* Pajamas
* slippers
* socks
* robe
* Shampoo/conditioner
* makeup (for lots of pictures)
* toothpaste/toothbrush

* CHAPSTICK
* hand lotion
* cell phone
* book or e-reader
* pictures (they're in my phone)
* comfy clothes to wear home
* breastfeeding essentials (I'm not going to list these... nope)
* hairbrush! I forgot my hairbrush!

Baby:

* two outfits newborn or 0-3 months (keep weather in mind)

* hat

* socks

* baby blanket

* baby book (for footprints!)

* baby clippers OR mittens

* CAR SEAT ( a must have... seriously... I really don't have to tell you this)

Daddy (Yes Daddy):

* change for the vending machine

* pajamas (if he's staying overnight with you)

* socks

* book

* snacks

* phone list

* camera

* insurance information and hospital registration ( yes, this IS his job, at least for now)

Humility: the quality of being modest, reverential, with a lack of arrogance and contempt

I talk a lot of (respectful) smack about this man, our President, but I have to say that I love this picture of him. It shows a humility and a kindness that I think I've been missing from him. It shows a great father and someone not afraid to get down on a child's level. It shows a man not afraid of grass stains. :) I like the pure joy of a child unaware of who he is and the impact he has on our world. Beautiful and I want to see more of THIS while he is our President, even if our opinions differ.

Old Spice Is Sexy Again

I bought some of THIS for my man....

So he could smell like this guy

Of course... sometimes dirty is good... :)

Buddha Belly

Buddha.... not mommy.

We saw this guy in Target today. Guess what Daniel said? "Look Daddy, it's mommy's tummy!" Nice...I am going to have a lot of work to do after this baby comes.

Reason# 10,005

Guess which side belongs to me.

I love the way that Joe lets me have every single pillow in the house piled onto our bed when I'm pregnant. I even love the way he laughs at me as I build my "nest" before bed.

Autumn: The Season Between Summer and Winter

After Springtime, Autumn is my favorite season. Of course, living in Texas, neither is as long as it should be so I have to be diligent and 

work hard at enjoying every single second. This autumn will be spent nurturing our newest family member being as his due-date is mid-September, so I'm posting past memories and a few new ones I'd like to make.

Matthew 2 years old
Mommy's moment of Genius

My Gentleman Pirate

Inks Lake is a Must

Pumpkin Carving

Dewberry Farm

Texas State Railroad
Rusk State Park

candied apples

who could forget these?
http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/mini-caramel-apples-688916/

or Wow!
Halloween Candied Apples
http://webspinstress.com/halloween/2009/10/24/scary-candied-apples/

Reason # 10,004

Yes... This Guy

I love the way Joe sometimes just listens when I complain about my day. When I'm mad because the phone always rings at the wrong times, or when Daniel wants to play on my computer even though he KNOWS it isn't working well. He isn't judgmental and he doesn't just jump in to try to fix it. He JUST listens. (Of course, I would like him to help me fix the computer problems I'm having. That needs immediate action. I know that he will though...won't he?)

P.S. He fixed the computer!

How DO I Raise a Post-Racial Child in this Pro-Racial World?

Matthew and I were watching President Obama's speech this morning on The View. Matthew asked me why the President was on The View.  I told him that's a very good question.... He then asked "Isn't he too busy protecting us to be on this show?" Smart boy. It was a question I had asked myself just the night before. Surely, there is something that needs his attention right now. But the truth is, Matthew and I learned a lot about each other as we watched.... For every thing there is a season.


   This discussion led to a much more important discussion on race. Matt was reminding me how we had talked about Rosa Parks last year. He told me that it was so awful that people of color were forced to the back of the bus and told not to eat at the same counter as white folks. I then told him that he was absolutely right. I asked him if he remembered the story of Martin Luther King? He said that he did, but he didn't understand how he changed things as he did. I explained to him that Martin Luther King gave a speech and that in this speech he talked of his hopes for America. That he dreamed that we would one day live by the creed of our founding fathers... "we hold these truths to be self evident that ALL men are created equal" I explained to him that this was not a right given by men, but by God and that no man had the right to keep that away from another man. We talked about the meaning of "the content of their character". What does that mean to an eight year old? I asked Matthew what it meant to be a good human being. Matthew, in his eight year old way, told me that it means being nice and playing fairly, not lying and stealing, helping each other. We can all learn a lot from our children.


I catch myself saying... "We are past this. Why is my child noticing the color of his playmates skin suddenly?" I didn't raise him to see that way. It has become a topic of discussion in our house this year, this "post-racial" year. Why? Matthew is a smart child and he knows that mommy believes in smaller government. He knows that mommy believes that our freedom and liberty is being called into question. He hears on the television that this means mommy is a racist. Yet we have honest discussions about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks and Frederick Douglass and what they accomplished to make America a better place for all races. We not only talk about it, we live by it.  To be called a racist because I believe in EVERY man's ability to succeed without the government nanny, is ludicrous, to say the least. After all, it isn't just people of color who are suffering right now, many are. I simply believe that the burden of responsibility lies upon us, the individual, to help our neighbor. Passing it all on to the government isn't the solution. Teaching our children to help one another cannot be taught by paying ever increasing taxes, but by action. This nation was built on individuality and the the belief that man has exclusive rights to "self" deemed by our Creator. Let NO man put asunder. Politicians are playing a very dangerous game. They do so at the expense of every man, woman and CHILD, in America. We cannot stand for it. This game of race baiting and racial division is only a means to an end.


 Eric Holder says that "we are a nation of cowards" when it comes to discussions of race. HE is the coward. He is the one who can't see racism as a two-way street. My favorite passage from the "I have a Dream" speech" is this-
"In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
This tells me that Martin Luther King believed in what our forefather's promised. That he respected this experiment that we call America. This tells me that he wanted equality and FREEDOM for ALL mankind. Black, white, red, brown. Martin Luther King marched in peace. He saw the Writing on the Wall. He knew that he might die for his beliefs. HE was not a coward. And neither am I. 


I realize now that the conversation remains an important one. Although I don't want my children to notice color, I also have a responsibility to keep our history alive. The good and the bad of it all. Instead of hiding from the issue, I will discuss how we have grown from it as a nation. We are a better nation because of our struggles and our differences, not in spite of them. For those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

Danielisms

 ‎"mommy! mommy! there's a bulldozer dog outside!" #Danielism


"mommmmmmmyy! Matthew's tattle-telling on me!" #Danielism

You want the moon Mary...I'll throw a Lasso around it for you.

I feel like George Bailey today. The anguished George Bailey right before he realizes how blessed he is. Now if I can only find Zuzu's petals... and Clarence.

Amazing Sandwich

I made this sandwich for hubbies lunch today. It is amazing, especially on subway's wheat bread topped with provolone cheese. He thinks I'm very sexy. :) Thank you pioneer woman. I love you.

Reason # 10,003

Daddy is making the kids laugh in the next room. That deep belly laugh that makes their sides hurt and makes it hard to breathe. It is the best sound in the World. Reason # 10,003 of why I love my husband.

Brotherly Love

My boys come up to me in their pajamas every night and plant a big kiss on my baby bump, without any prompting from us. This small gesture of love from the two boys that constantly fight one another lets me know that all is right with the World. It gives me hope that, not only will they love this new son and brother with all they have, but will also help them find love and understanding for one another.

Matthew, most of all, is being amazing about Jacob. He loves touching my tummy and feeling him move. He loves to hear stories about how he moved just like Jacob, especially when I did yoga. How I would place my tummy close to his dads back as we slept, just so he could feel him as I did. He brings me healthy snacks and pillows and leans his head down to talk to Jacob, brother to brother. I am shocked by this amazing turn of events. I am grateful for this beautiful gift of an adoring big brother. I cried when I first told Matthew that we were having another new baby. He was the one that I dreaded telling the most. My firstborn son never took to being a big brother easily, enjoying being in our spotlight as he had until that point. He got into trouble on many occasion... for sneaking into newborn Daniels room and waking him, just to see him stretch. He loves Daniel but there was always an intense rivalry for our affections, so I was anxious to say the least.

Daniel is excited too, but for very different reasons. He is quite ready to pass on the title of "little brother" to the next victim...err, baby. This is further proof that he is getting bigger and that is his only wish. He likes to run into the living room and tell his dad and brother that "mommy has the baby in the bedroom!" He thinks its so funny to "trick" them into thinking that Jacob just showed up, as if by stork. He likes to lay his head on my tummy and feel the baby kick him. Already he's picking fights. :) He is hesitant though, because he already feels the sting of a loss of attention. He gets upset that I can't pick him up from the shopping cart, or boost him to the top of the tree-house. Babies and toddlers scare him. They pinch him and toddle after him. They grab his toys and eat his food. They smell funny and cry and get held a lot. Thats okay though because I know my Daniel and he is up for the challenge.

As for me, I am looking forward to this new dynamic. How is it that three kids can have polar opposite personalities? Will Dash be more like his big brother M as he seems to be already? Will he surprise me and mimic Daniel? I know he will be his own little man and I am excited to get to know him. He is one lucky little brother.