pretty much the same things I said yesterday but I needed more clarity.
Yesterday someone I care about told me that I've changed over the last two years. My heart dropped into my stomach. In my head I'm asking "has she done the math?!" Kind of shocked that she says it like its something I should contain. January will be two years since my Alex. My soulmate, was killed. This isn't like my mom and dad dying. This is like the best part of me dying. Yes. I have changed. I'm not the same person. I'm off the rails. I get up in the morning, late as always (not a new thing, trust me)... Take care of my last snuggle bug... Talk to friends.... Wait for the bigs to get home... Talk reports and homework... LOVE THEM HARD. Put them to bed... And TRY MY BEST not to cry until 2:00am. It's not every day.... But most. I used to want to go go go. Now I never want to leave. Funny thing is in big ways my trust issue has little to do with her dying, but the aftermath. My trust issues are huge. My trust issues FREEZE ME DEAD IN MY TRACKS.
But in many big ways I'm better. I'm more generous. I'm more empathetic. I'm less likely to let someone roll over me. (Maybe this is what some are seeing?) I'm FAR more in tune with my God. My family. Closer to my husband than EVER before. My friends now are friends who love me for no other reason than for who I truly am... Broken, derailed or not. And my love for helping children? Has grown exponentially. All the things that I should have done for Alex I MUST do for someone. My PURPOSE is now for two souls.
So even though I'm Off the Rails? The track I'm on now is far better. Join me or not... It's up to you.
Friday, November 13, 2015
"off the Rails" were the words you were looking for when describing my last two years. "You're not the same". Negative. January 25th 2014. She left. Was killed by a drunk in a pick up truck with a bad attitude towards rejection. She was my trust. My hope. My beautiful sister. My daddy's last baby girl. What could POSSIBLY be wrong with me? Now? Almost two years later? She's gone. The only person outside of my small family that I ever truly believed in. With her... Went the rest. All the people who were supposed to be there.... Weren't. Angry. So much so many could have done differently, even me. Especially me. She shouldn't be gone. What a sad fucked up two years it has been. But I'm supposed to be normal. NORMAL! But she's gone and everyone else is not trustworthy. No one else will do. It was our turn. Then the crazies made a sad situation crazy. Ugly. Closed her up into a little box and only gave a key to those they could manipulate. Keep your key. Keep the box. She's not there. She's free. She's home. Thank YOU for turning something beautiful into something that makes me cry to see. Yes, I am off the rails. And when you "see me?" It's because I fought like hell to leave my house. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere around anyone but my four loves. I don't trust anyone. Anymore. I am trying like hell to get back. In fact I am in hell thank you very much and running through it just to get to the other side. So yes. I'm sensitive to everything that makes me feel less human. I'm sensitive to those who think this isn't NORMAL. It is. I'm different. But I'm the same. I just have to fight with all of Gods power to stay that way.