Friday, November 13, 2015

"Off the Rails"

"off the Rails" were the words you were looking for when describing my last two years. "You're not the same". Negative. January 25th 2014. She left. Was killed by a drunk in a pick up truck with a bad attitude towards rejection. She was my trust. My hope. My beautiful sister. My daddy's last baby girl. What could POSSIBLY be wrong with me? Now? Almost two years later? She's gone. The only person outside of my small family that I ever truly believed in. With her... Went the rest. All the people who were supposed to be there.... Weren't. Angry. So much so many could have done differently, even me. Especially me. She shouldn't be gone. What a sad fucked up two years it has been. But I'm supposed to be normal. NORMAL! But she's gone and everyone else is not trustworthy. No one else will do. It was our turn. Then the crazies made a sad situation crazy. Ugly. Closed her up into a little box and only gave a key to those they could manipulate. Keep your key. Keep the box. She's not there. She's free. She's home.  Thank YOU for turning something beautiful into something that makes me cry to see. Yes, I am off the rails. And when you "see me?" It's because I fought like hell to leave my house. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere around anyone but my four loves. I don't trust anyone. Anymore. I am trying like hell to get back. In fact I am in hell thank you very much and running through it just to get to the other side. So yes. I'm sensitive to everything that makes me feel less human. I'm sensitive to those who think this isn't NORMAL. It is. I'm different. But I'm the same. I just have to fight with all of Gods power to stay that way.

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing 'normal' about grieving. No one grieves in the same way so who is to say what's normal. When my dad died this summer I tried to be strong for everyone around me because I felt like I needed to take charge. Andrew reminded me that I needed to deal with my own emotions too and to hell what anyone else thought about that. So you do you and be thankful you are not 'normal' like all those other judgey bitches.