Friday, February 12, 2010

My Daddy

   Tomorrow marks a year. It's been a year since my daddy passed away. He was such a large force in my life for so long. Words usually come easy for me as I write, but the words for this... It's difficult.

   Daddy was the sun and the rest of us just rotated around him, careful to get too close for fear of heat.

   Daddy lived many lifetimes and I came along well into one of them. He first married at eighteen and went on to have eight children with his first wife.

   He married my mom when he was thirty-five and she twenty. I came along five years later.

   Laura became my step-mom when I was sixteen. It was difficult sharing him, but I was grateful for the moment to break-away from his orbit, at least enough to have a life of my own. With Laura came came six step-kids and an amazing baby sister. She is a Junior in high school as I turn thirty-seven. I am grateful for the richness they've added to our lives.

   My daddy was a good man in his soul, but he was long lost from it. I truly believe he loved deeply but his fears overruled him. He felt shame instead of Grace and with that he turned all that was good into mistrust and anger.Thats why its so hard for me to find the good times. He avoided them and kept them from me. From all of us.

I can find dads Grace, but to do so we have to drive. We drive to the Texas Hill Country. I can feel his goodness on the wind. I can see his love in the red streaks of the hills at sunset. I can see my dad as a boy in my sons as they splash in the river.

   Thats where we were when we heard the news. By a river watching Matthew catch a rainbow trout that continued to elude Joe. It was meant for Matthew to do. Friday, February 13th 2009. Leave it to my daddy to leave us on Friday the 13th.