pretty much the same things I said yesterday but I needed more clarity.
Yesterday someone I care about told me that I've changed over the last two years. My heart dropped into my stomach. In my head I'm asking "has she done the math?!" Kind of shocked that she says it like its something I should contain. January will be two years since my Alex. My soulmate, was killed. This isn't like my mom and dad dying. This is like the best part of me dying. Yes. I have changed. I'm not the same person. I'm off the rails. I get up in the morning, late as always (not a new thing, trust me)... Take care of my last snuggle bug... Talk to friends.... Wait for the bigs to get home... Talk reports and homework... LOVE THEM HARD. Put them to bed... And TRY MY BEST not to cry until 2:00am. It's not every day.... But most. I used to want to go go go. Now I never want to leave. Funny thing is in big ways my trust issue has little to do with her dying, but the aftermath. My trust issues are huge. My trust issues FREEZE ME DEAD IN MY TRACKS.
But in many big ways I'm better. I'm more generous. I'm more empathetic. I'm less likely to let someone roll over me. (Maybe this is what some are seeing?) I'm FAR more in tune with my God. My family. Closer to my husband than EVER before. My friends now are friends who love me for no other reason than for who I truly am... Broken, derailed or not. And my love for helping children? Has grown exponentially. All the things that I should have done for Alex I MUST do for someone. My PURPOSE is now for two souls.
So even though I'm Off the Rails? The track I'm on now is far better. Join me or not... It's up to you.