It's My Party (that I don't want) and I'll Cry if I Want To

Matthew I understand completely
enough is enough already

I have been a giant fuzzy ball of emotional mush lately. I cry for an hour at a time. It isn't a pretty dainty cry, but the ugly puffy face cry. I have never had an emotional pregnancy such as this one. Of course, then I worry about the harm I'm doing to this child I'm carrying and I read that emotions lead to extra cortisol which lead to an emotional baby as well. Today I cried for hours because a few dear friends want to have a baby shower for me... and I DON'T WANT TO. Why? Because I'll cry... that's why. I also feel  uncomfortable having a third baby shower. Yes, its been five years... and yes I've given away almost everything baby related, and yes, every baby deserves a celebration but I just DON'T WANT TO. I don't have the energy, or the patience, or the desire to be the center of attention right now, what with my puffy red face and mucous. It doesn't help the fact that my sister-in-law questioned the etiquette of it all to ME... the emotional one... who didn't want to have one in the first place. I just have the desire to stick my tongue out at her right now.

Of course, I cry over school starting and Daniel venturing out into the world of education. I cry because I'm not ready to be a PTO mom and president again right now when all I really want to do is lay on my side and feel Dash roll around and watch him practice to breathe. I cry because I really WANT to be at the school as much as I can, but I know I won't be able to and I know I'm letting a lot of people down, even though they keep telling me how unimportant I really am in the grand scheme of things.  I cry because we didn't spend enough time reading together this summer... or camping together... or playing together.

I cry because my sweet husband tells me that if he were home all day like I am, he would choose to home-school the kids and would do just fine thank you very much. (yes, he knows he's a jerk and yes he apologized and yes he appreciates me and NO he wouldn't be able to handle it just fine thank you very much.)

Ok, that's enough for now

Other things that make me cry

Books - The Last Christian
Movies - The Last Song
Commercials - The foundation for a better life gets me every single time
Blogs - http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html
TV - NICU

Maternity Overnight Bag (check)

baby Stuff

My hospital bag is officially checked off of my list of things to do! Of course I still have six weeks to go, but you never know when you may need to be prepared. I'm having a C-section, so there are some things that I don't need... and others that I need more of since I already know I'll be there for at least three days.

List of essentials:

Mom:


* Pajamas
* slippers
* socks
* robe
* Shampoo/conditioner
* makeup (for lots of pictures)
* toothpaste/toothbrush

* CHAPSTICK
* hand lotion
* cell phone
* book or e-reader
* pictures (they're in my phone)
* comfy clothes to wear home
* breastfeeding essentials (I'm not going to list these... nope)
* hairbrush! I forgot my hairbrush!

Baby:

* two outfits newborn or 0-3 months (keep weather in mind)

* hat

* socks

* baby blanket

* baby book (for footprints!)

* baby clippers OR mittens

* CAR SEAT ( a must have... seriously... I really don't have to tell you this)

Daddy (Yes Daddy):

* change for the vending machine

* pajamas (if he's staying overnight with you)

* socks

* book

* snacks

* phone list

* camera

* insurance information and hospital registration ( yes, this IS his job, at least for now)

Buddha Belly

Buddha.... not mommy.

We saw this guy in Target today. Guess what Daniel said? "Look Daddy, it's mommy's tummy!" Nice...I am going to have a lot of work to do after this baby comes.

The Backwards Motion of The Sexual Revolution

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition".  ~Timothy Leary

        We are stronger than men in every sense and yet we strive to be equal. Why do we lower our standards? The sexual revolution did little to help women find their power. I would even counter that it took us backwards in our fight. Proving the point that we were nothing more than sexual beings. It gave us a false sense of control, but what it really did was give men a constant plaything with no reason to revere us. Sure we may not get pregnant but men could still use us to their abandon. They no longer had to restrain their urges until they were ready to become fathers and husbands.  Men took this opportunity to place the burden of responsibility squarely on our shoulders as women. The goal should never have been to equate us to men but to EXALT us as women. To give power to our evolutionary and God-given design as caretakers and nurturers. To honor our mothers and their mothers before them. Instead woman of the movement looked down upon the very woman that raised them, shaming those that were stronger and worked harder than any of us have ever had to.


How free are we when even workplace equality has thrown of the balance of our lives by making it virtually impossible for one person to provide for their family? So many women entered the workforce at once that it was a financial boon for corporations everywhere. They could pay us less AND lay off our husbands at the same time. They continued by lowering mens salaries instead of raising womens. We can no longer choose lightly to raise our own children without the sense of guilt and burden we feel by placing so much of one partners shoulders.

 How free are we when we feel a profound sense of guilt for choosing not to take birth control. We, even as married women, feel that we are socially irresponsible, if we choose to avoid the  chemicals and hormones that MAY not work for us. We are racked with guilt as feminist women look down upon a woman like Sarah Palin for having the audacity to give birth to a child with down syndrome. Surely a woman that "chooses" that could NOT be an intelligent capable woman to look up to! Further, they rail against her daughter as she takes, once again, a vow of abstinence, snickering at the ignorance of a girl thinking that she may control her own sexual urges. They talk of freedom of choice as long as its not that "Duggar" woman that dares to have 18 children in this day and age.


My father was the biggest pro-feminist of them all, I can assure you. He saw absolutely no reason for my mom to stay home to raise me after I was born. He demanded that she return to waitressing six weeks after I was born and she never sealed the hole in her heart. Where was her power?


My husband and I worked together for eight years to build our lives and home, so that we could be prepared to raise a child. When I decided to stop working to raise my oldest, my father told me that I should be "ashamed of myself" for putting such an undue burden upon my husband. I took my power and my moms, along with the grace of God and a whole lot of prayer and I made the decision that was right for US.


This isn't to say that we shouldn't have birth control or the right to "equal work, equal pay" Surely, we do. Yet we need to look into our mirrors and ask WHY we are more tired than ever before, less happy than even our own mothers. HOW is it possible that we can have it all,  yet we seem to have less? WHAT is our new place in this world? WHEN did this happen and WHO caused our turmoil?  We did, by forgetting our mothers and what the real struggle was about. I think the mistake came when we turned it into a social and political movement instead of an evolving , natural process of society. We let too few speak for too many 


We don't need to find our equality, we need to find our Power.