It's My Party (that I don't want) and I'll Cry if I Want To

Matthew I understand completely
enough is enough already

I have been a giant fuzzy ball of emotional mush lately. I cry for an hour at a time. It isn't a pretty dainty cry, but the ugly puffy face cry. I have never had an emotional pregnancy such as this one. Of course, then I worry about the harm I'm doing to this child I'm carrying and I read that emotions lead to extra cortisol which lead to an emotional baby as well. Today I cried for hours because a few dear friends want to have a baby shower for me... and I DON'T WANT TO. Why? Because I'll cry... that's why. I also feel  uncomfortable having a third baby shower. Yes, its been five years... and yes I've given away almost everything baby related, and yes, every baby deserves a celebration but I just DON'T WANT TO. I don't have the energy, or the patience, or the desire to be the center of attention right now, what with my puffy red face and mucous. It doesn't help the fact that my sister-in-law questioned the etiquette of it all to ME... the emotional one... who didn't want to have one in the first place. I just have the desire to stick my tongue out at her right now.

Of course, I cry over school starting and Daniel venturing out into the world of education. I cry because I'm not ready to be a PTO mom and president again right now when all I really want to do is lay on my side and feel Dash roll around and watch him practice to breathe. I cry because I really WANT to be at the school as much as I can, but I know I won't be able to and I know I'm letting a lot of people down, even though they keep telling me how unimportant I really am in the grand scheme of things.  I cry because we didn't spend enough time reading together this summer... or camping together... or playing together.

I cry because my sweet husband tells me that if he were home all day like I am, he would choose to home-school the kids and would do just fine thank you very much. (yes, he knows he's a jerk and yes he apologized and yes he appreciates me and NO he wouldn't be able to handle it just fine thank you very much.)

Ok, that's enough for now

Other things that make me cry

Books - The Last Christian
Movies - The Last Song
Commercials - The foundation for a better life gets me every single time
Blogs - http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html
TV - NICU