Reason# 10,006 AND 10,007

Honeymoon

Just when I think I will never survive the next 30 days in my cumbersome, roly-poly stage of pregnancy, my husband says Thank You. "Thank you for carrying my children" as he bends down to put on my shoes, of which I am tired of doing. He also cooked an amazing dinner last night, followed by a healthy fruitful (speaking of fruitful) breakfast this morning. I love him so much and I am honored to carry his children.

Maternity Overnight Bag (check)

baby Stuff

My hospital bag is officially checked off of my list of things to do! Of course I still have six weeks to go, but you never know when you may need to be prepared. I'm having a C-section, so there are some things that I don't need... and others that I need more of since I already know I'll be there for at least three days.

List of essentials:

Mom:


* Pajamas
* slippers
* socks
* robe
* Shampoo/conditioner
* makeup (for lots of pictures)
* toothpaste/toothbrush

* CHAPSTICK
* hand lotion
* cell phone
* book or e-reader
* pictures (they're in my phone)
* comfy clothes to wear home
* breastfeeding essentials (I'm not going to list these... nope)
* hairbrush! I forgot my hairbrush!

Baby:

* two outfits newborn or 0-3 months (keep weather in mind)

* hat

* socks

* baby blanket

* baby book (for footprints!)

* baby clippers OR mittens

* CAR SEAT ( a must have... seriously... I really don't have to tell you this)

Daddy (Yes Daddy):

* change for the vending machine

* pajamas (if he's staying overnight with you)

* socks

* book

* snacks

* phone list

* camera

* insurance information and hospital registration ( yes, this IS his job, at least for now)

Humility: the quality of being modest, reverential, with a lack of arrogance and contempt

I talk a lot of (respectful) smack about this man, our President, but I have to say that I love this picture of him. It shows a humility and a kindness that I think I've been missing from him. It shows a great father and someone not afraid to get down on a child's level. It shows a man not afraid of grass stains. :) I like the pure joy of a child unaware of who he is and the impact he has on our world. Beautiful and I want to see more of THIS while he is our President, even if our opinions differ.

Old Spice Is Sexy Again

I bought some of THIS for my man....

So he could smell like this guy

Of course... sometimes dirty is good... :)

Buddha Belly

Buddha.... not mommy.

We saw this guy in Target today. Guess what Daniel said? "Look Daddy, it's mommy's tummy!" Nice...I am going to have a lot of work to do after this baby comes.

Reason# 10,005

Guess which side belongs to me.

I love the way that Joe lets me have every single pillow in the house piled onto our bed when I'm pregnant. I even love the way he laughs at me as I build my "nest" before bed.

Autumn: The Season Between Summer and Winter

After Springtime, Autumn is my favorite season. Of course, living in Texas, neither is as long as it should be so I have to be diligent and 

work hard at enjoying every single second. This autumn will be spent nurturing our newest family member being as his due-date is mid-September, so I'm posting past memories and a few new ones I'd like to make.

Matthew 2 years old
Mommy's moment of Genius

My Gentleman Pirate

Inks Lake is a Must

Pumpkin Carving

Dewberry Farm

Texas State Railroad
Rusk State Park

candied apples

who could forget these?
http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/mini-caramel-apples-688916/

or Wow!
Halloween Candied Apples
http://webspinstress.com/halloween/2009/10/24/scary-candied-apples/

Reason # 10,004

Yes... This Guy

I love the way Joe sometimes just listens when I complain about my day. When I'm mad because the phone always rings at the wrong times, or when Daniel wants to play on my computer even though he KNOWS it isn't working well. He isn't judgmental and he doesn't just jump in to try to fix it. He JUST listens. (Of course, I would like him to help me fix the computer problems I'm having. That needs immediate action. I know that he will though...won't he?)

P.S. He fixed the computer!

How DO I Raise a Post-Racial Child in this Pro-Racial World?

Matthew and I were watching President Obama's speech this morning on The View. Matthew asked me why the President was on The View.  I told him that's a very good question.... He then asked "Isn't he too busy protecting us to be on this show?" Smart boy. It was a question I had asked myself just the night before. Surely, there is something that needs his attention right now. But the truth is, Matthew and I learned a lot about each other as we watched.... For every thing there is a season.


   This discussion led to a much more important discussion on race. Matt was reminding me how we had talked about Rosa Parks last year. He told me that it was so awful that people of color were forced to the back of the bus and told not to eat at the same counter as white folks. I then told him that he was absolutely right. I asked him if he remembered the story of Martin Luther King? He said that he did, but he didn't understand how he changed things as he did. I explained to him that Martin Luther King gave a speech and that in this speech he talked of his hopes for America. That he dreamed that we would one day live by the creed of our founding fathers... "we hold these truths to be self evident that ALL men are created equal" I explained to him that this was not a right given by men, but by God and that no man had the right to keep that away from another man. We talked about the meaning of "the content of their character". What does that mean to an eight year old? I asked Matthew what it meant to be a good human being. Matthew, in his eight year old way, told me that it means being nice and playing fairly, not lying and stealing, helping each other. We can all learn a lot from our children.


I catch myself saying... "We are past this. Why is my child noticing the color of his playmates skin suddenly?" I didn't raise him to see that way. It has become a topic of discussion in our house this year, this "post-racial" year. Why? Matthew is a smart child and he knows that mommy believes in smaller government. He knows that mommy believes that our freedom and liberty is being called into question. He hears on the television that this means mommy is a racist. Yet we have honest discussions about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks and Frederick Douglass and what they accomplished to make America a better place for all races. We not only talk about it, we live by it.  To be called a racist because I believe in EVERY man's ability to succeed without the government nanny, is ludicrous, to say the least. After all, it isn't just people of color who are suffering right now, many are. I simply believe that the burden of responsibility lies upon us, the individual, to help our neighbor. Passing it all on to the government isn't the solution. Teaching our children to help one another cannot be taught by paying ever increasing taxes, but by action. This nation was built on individuality and the the belief that man has exclusive rights to "self" deemed by our Creator. Let NO man put asunder. Politicians are playing a very dangerous game. They do so at the expense of every man, woman and CHILD, in America. We cannot stand for it. This game of race baiting and racial division is only a means to an end.


 Eric Holder says that "we are a nation of cowards" when it comes to discussions of race. HE is the coward. He is the one who can't see racism as a two-way street. My favorite passage from the "I have a Dream" speech" is this-
"In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
This tells me that Martin Luther King believed in what our forefather's promised. That he respected this experiment that we call America. This tells me that he wanted equality and FREEDOM for ALL mankind. Black, white, red, brown. Martin Luther King marched in peace. He saw the Writing on the Wall. He knew that he might die for his beliefs. HE was not a coward. And neither am I. 


I realize now that the conversation remains an important one. Although I don't want my children to notice color, I also have a responsibility to keep our history alive. The good and the bad of it all. Instead of hiding from the issue, I will discuss how we have grown from it as a nation. We are a better nation because of our struggles and our differences, not in spite of them. For those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

Danielisms

 ‎"mommy! mommy! there's a bulldozer dog outside!" #Danielism


"mommmmmmmyy! Matthew's tattle-telling on me!" #Danielism

You want the moon Mary...I'll throw a Lasso around it for you.

I feel like George Bailey today. The anguished George Bailey right before he realizes how blessed he is. Now if I can only find Zuzu's petals... and Clarence.

Amazing Sandwich

I made this sandwich for hubbies lunch today. It is amazing, especially on subway's wheat bread topped with provolone cheese. He thinks I'm very sexy. :) Thank you pioneer woman. I love you.

Reason # 10,003

Daddy is making the kids laugh in the next room. That deep belly laugh that makes their sides hurt and makes it hard to breathe. It is the best sound in the World. Reason # 10,003 of why I love my husband.

Brotherly Love

My boys come up to me in their pajamas every night and plant a big kiss on my baby bump, without any prompting from us. This small gesture of love from the two boys that constantly fight one another lets me know that all is right with the World. It gives me hope that, not only will they love this new son and brother with all they have, but will also help them find love and understanding for one another.

Matthew, most of all, is being amazing about Jacob. He loves touching my tummy and feeling him move. He loves to hear stories about how he moved just like Jacob, especially when I did yoga. How I would place my tummy close to his dads back as we slept, just so he could feel him as I did. He brings me healthy snacks and pillows and leans his head down to talk to Jacob, brother to brother. I am shocked by this amazing turn of events. I am grateful for this beautiful gift of an adoring big brother. I cried when I first told Matthew that we were having another new baby. He was the one that I dreaded telling the most. My firstborn son never took to being a big brother easily, enjoying being in our spotlight as he had until that point. He got into trouble on many occasion... for sneaking into newborn Daniels room and waking him, just to see him stretch. He loves Daniel but there was always an intense rivalry for our affections, so I was anxious to say the least.

Daniel is excited too, but for very different reasons. He is quite ready to pass on the title of "little brother" to the next victim...err, baby. This is further proof that he is getting bigger and that is his only wish. He likes to run into the living room and tell his dad and brother that "mommy has the baby in the bedroom!" He thinks its so funny to "trick" them into thinking that Jacob just showed up, as if by stork. He likes to lay his head on my tummy and feel the baby kick him. Already he's picking fights. :) He is hesitant though, because he already feels the sting of a loss of attention. He gets upset that I can't pick him up from the shopping cart, or boost him to the top of the tree-house. Babies and toddlers scare him. They pinch him and toddle after him. They grab his toys and eat his food. They smell funny and cry and get held a lot. Thats okay though because I know my Daniel and he is up for the challenge.

As for me, I am looking forward to this new dynamic. How is it that three kids can have polar opposite personalities? Will Dash be more like his big brother M as he seems to be already? Will he surprise me and mimic Daniel? I know he will be his own little man and I am excited to get to know him. He is one lucky little brother.

Reason# 10,002

Joe just dotted stars all over the boys ceiling with glow paint.... It's magical. Now every night they get to fall asleep beneath the milky way.
Reason 10,002 that I love this man.

Snakes are where?

Yesterday Matthew was going outside to walk his playdate home. I told him to check the mail on his way back. He comes back a few minutes later... no mail. Here's our conversation....
Me: "Matthew, where's the mail?"
Matthew: "You said NOT to check the mail."
Me: "Matthew, why would I tell you NOT to check the mail?"
 Matthew: "In case there were snakes in the mailbox."

Me: "........"

Fireflies

A few weeks ago I looked up in my bedroom and noticed a blinking on the ceiling. It was a firefly!  I decided to turn all the lights down low and let him stay a while, with a plan to release him as we readied for bed.He flew from one corner to another and I teased the boys telling them he was looking for his Evangeline. (Those of you who have seen The Princess and The Frog know exactly what I'm talking about.)

A few nights later, in a sleepy haze, I woke up to another firefly blinking in my bedroom. This one was really bright so I got up and captured it between two cups. I carried it into the living room to release it outside and when I opened it up..... it was Joe's Bluetooth. :)  And to think I was quite proud that I caught him so easily! Of course, when I told Joe, all he could say was "Honey, The light was blue!" Really? That's all you could come up with?

Here's hoping you have a firefly in your bedroom soon. :)

Kidisms

Daniel: "I wish you guys would stop waking me up and carrying me to your bedroom. I'm not getting enough sleep."

This morning as Joe was straightening my hair (don't judge me) Daniel

comes in.... 

He looks up, watching what dad is doing and says " So that's where I get it"
I asked "where you get what baby? "
and he says.... "My bad hair.".
Where does he come up with this stuff?!

Daniel: "Mom, The baby makes you look like Mrs Puff on Spongebob"

Matthew: "Daniel! Mom is nothing like Mrs. Puff! She doesn't drive a boat!"


Grandma: "Ask Daniel Why he loves me so much. I think he'll say it's because I make everything fun"
Me: "Daniel, why do you love grandma so much?"
Daniel: " Because old people are precious."
Grandma: " That really burst MY bubble. "

My Three Sons

I am 6 months pregnant with another baby of the male persuasion! It seems that   we must know what we are doing in that area. This time around has been a bit harder than the first two, being as I have a very full plate. I have been much more tired and plagued with more of the negative symptoms of my condition than before.

   We were not expecting another baby so late in the game, especially considered that our youngest will start school the very month this new little one will make his entrance. No rest for the weary. :) That's not to say that we aren't thrilled... now. The first week or so was spent reminding us of how much work goes into the rearing of a baby. Two hour feedings, another car seat, another chair at the table! We soon realized though, that having a baby around is so much fun and well worth the downsides that goes along with it. The sweet smell of their heads, the first smiles and laughs, the promise.

The name situation, however, is another story. What are we going to name this newest member? What will we name him that will carry him into the future? My mistake was made when I told Joe early on that if it was a boy, he would get to name him this time. Then I remembered... he has always liked the name Daschell. What have I done? Will he be strong enough to carry such a name? Will it be perpetually mispronounced? Where is my strong Christian name? We have made a compromise... I think. Dashchell will be his middle name. The first name is still being considered. These are the top contenders.

Andrew
Christian
Jacob
Thomas
Evan

Right now, I'm daydreaming. Will he look like his brothers? What will he do to make me laugh? What new dynamic do I have to look forward to? The one thing I know for sure... I love him already.

Daniels Birth Story- Part 1

I made a startling discovery cleaning out closets to make room for our new little one. I found baby pictures of Daniel that I had hidden away. A box full. I saw them and I was overwhelmed by memories of my second born. Painful ones that I would rather have kept hidden away. I saw within them my battle with a two year long depression. I remember swimming in despair for such a long moment. It was a sudden and unexpected turn of events that led to this time. One that I have rarely discussed and one that makes my throat tighten as I think of it now. It wasn't so much a postpartum depression as much as it was PTSD.

It all began within hours of Daniels birth. I received a call from my doctors office that shook me to the very core. One that made a childhood monster rear its ugly head. It was a thing that most women wouldn't have thought twice about.... My doctor was out of the country by then, leaving for a 7 day trip to Germany within hours after delivering Daniel. I was left in the care of the doctors on call and his nurse at the time. It was the nurse that made the call. As I lay in the hospital bed, smiling down at our new little one, I reached to answer the phone. "Kim, I have some news, but I need for you not to panic." I felt my skin turn cold as she told me that my HIV test had come back indeterminate. She followed this with the instruction not to breastfeed Daniel until further notice. With that, she hung up. I remember telling Joe and him telling me it was probably nothing and that we would deal with whatever lay ahead of us. I remember nurses watching me and counseling me and telling me to talk to my pastor, as if I were a sinner that led to this conclusion. I remember one nurse storming into the room as I had forgotten the one warning... Do Not Breastfeed. I had been awakened by my new born calling me in the middle of the night and cradling him to me as a mother will do out of a primal urge to feed their baby. She told me that if I dared to try and breastfeed him again, she would have no choice but to call social services. I remember crying, all alone, as Joe was home with Matthew. Nurses asking me if my husband was faithful, If I was faithful, If I did drugs to bring this about. I remember the feeling of being unworthy and stained. I was told by the doctor on call and several nurses that these tests were very rarely wrong and that it would take two weeks to get the final test results back. I did have one nurse tell me in confidence that she had  seen the test wrong on several occasions, but they are trained to stick to the script, so as not to raise any hopes in the hopeless. I was anxious and crying. I explained over and over again that we had been faithfully married for 12 years and that I had numerous negative HIV tests with both of my children, but in the back of my head... Was my childhood fears. What if? I was raised in a culture of drugs and had actually had an aunt who passed away from this horrible new disease. It kept me awake at nights as a child. An ugly unavoidable monster in the closet. I myself, had never done anything to be in a category of high risk. What if?.... What if it had lay dormant through all those happy years? What if?.... What if I had contracted it giving blood for the numerous blood tests a woman has during pregnancy? What if?.... What if the love of my life HADN'T been faithful? The what ifs were back and they didn't feel as if they would ever release their hold on me. I couldn't tell anyone outside of Joe. I told him not to tell anyone. My mother-in-law knew something was wrong the next days and weeks, as I was not the mother I should have been. I was anxious and angry. I didn't want company. I wasn't breastfeeding as I swore I would. The lactation specialist at the hospital told me to pump and dump. Pump every chance I got and dump it out over the next few weeks. I tried, but I was so angry. I gave up within days. It was too painful to see a part of me swirling down the drain.

   I remember reaching underneath my arm and feeling a painful lump a week into the wait. I remember the questions swirling around in my head. What if?... I called the doctors office telling them that I needed help. That I needed answers. That I felt that I would go insane. My doctor told me to come in right away. When he saw me he was shocked... and angry. Angry that I was called by his nurse. Angry that the doctor on call didn't call him. Angry that my records... our records.... where never taken into account. He told me that he has AT LEAST 4 false positives a year. He told me that he has more false positives now that they are checking ALL mothers than true positives. He told me that women who have more than one baby can start to make markers that can appear to be HIV, but it's actually your body trying to fight off an invasion of a pregnancy. Its rare, but becoming more commonplace as mandatory testing has become the norm. He sat us in his office and called the lab in another state. He demanded that they get him my results NOW. He told us not to leave the office until he had an answer. Within the hour, as he sits counseling us, the phone rings. It was the lab. Absolutely all markers were clear. I left the office on a temporary cloud of vindication. It should have been the end. But I was angry. I had lost a week. One that I would never get back. I had gained nothing but fear and anger.

 I realize now that losing the next two years was my doing. I was so lost and afraid. I dug the hole deeper. I would try so hard to shake it off but then I would see birth pictures or hear a story and it would all come flooding back. What if?.... I began putting pictures away. Daniel would ask why Matt had a scrapbook and his was incomplete. I just couldn't face it. I STILL cry seeing them. Looking back on it now, I realize the insignificance of it all in the grand scheme of things. I see the selfishness in being so lost as I was. My children are alive and healthy. We are blessed beyond measure...

When I found out I was pregnant with Dash, it was this that played over and over in my head. What if?... I remember my throat tightening in that familiar way as I sat having my blood drawn. My hands clammy as he drew vial after vial... I remember the doctors NEW nurse (the other one disappeared shortly after Daniel was born) calling me with all my results. I can still hear her tell me nonchalantly that everything looked great. (HIV negative, Strep negative, Iron level low.) I stopped her and asked her to repeat the HIV result. I told her that I wanted a copy to take to the hospital. She also told me that after my case, the doctor started testing his patients the month before delivery instead of letting the hospital do it. This gives them time to run any final confirmatory tests before delivery. Did I make a small difference? I hope so... There are so many times I wanted to go to the hospital and tell them what they did to me. I still may... I am armed with knowledge now.

I'm not sure what to expect after Dash is born. I think I will surround myself better. I think I will let more people in. I will accept help and talk when I need to. I pray that I do things differently, for my children's sake. I pray that I'm more open.... I'll Pray...


As for now... I'm moving on. I am naming this post Daniels Birth Story - Part 1. I am doing this because I never want Daniel to think that this was the soul of his existence. I want to write about his TRUE birth story later on. The one that reflects the love that we have for him and the joy that he added to our family. THIS was NEVER about him. It was about me. I am also burying it deep into my blog, because I'm not sure if I really want anyone to read it. I had to write it. I had to put into words the monster in my closet. I didn't do it to be read..... I rushed through it, putting the words onto digital paper without a care for style or technique. It's just been there, under the surface for so long... and it's done.

UPDATE: I've had my two blood tests and both have been negative.... of course! :)

The Card

I've been thinking about my mom and dad today. They've both passed away in recent years. If you haven't lost anyone so much a part of you, there is something you may not know. There is a small window of time after they leave you that you feel their presence. Maybe hours, maybe days. There is an electricity in the air. The wind blows cold when it should be warm. There are small unexpected gifts, like the butterfly that lands on your shoulder, the tomato hornworm for their sweet buggy grandson. The answered prayer at the last minute. There is the rainbow trout that ONLY Matthew could catch. The buzzard (because my dad had a wicked sense of humor). Then there is the Card.

When my mom passed away, she left my step-dad, lost and alone. He stayed with us for a week, getting his bearings, wondering how to survive the loss of his soul-mate. My step-dad and mom had never stayed overnight with us in the past. We had offered and begged, but they always followed the same pattern. Come bearing gifts. Stay a few hours, then head home. So we were pleasantly surprised when this this man my children called Grandpa decided to stay. He spent time with the boys and our extended family. He helped around the house and shared memories of my mom. One afternoon he decided to run home and pick up a few keepsakes that my mom wanted for me to have. As we were looking through the boxes of pictures and memories, I came across a card. It was addressed to Joe and I in my moms neat handwriting. I opened it and felt that electricity.... I asked Ronnie if he had bought the card and he said no. I could tell that he was as surprised as I was. There was a doorway behind a picket fence. There was a verse of scripture that read

Cheerfully share 

your home with those 

who need a meal or a place 

to stay for the night

1 Peter 4:9

Opening the card, it read

Thank You from the bottom 

of my well-cared-for heart 

for wrapping me in the love of Christ as you

welcomed me into your home.

Love, Mom and Ronnie

I remember...

I remember carrying my moms ashes out of the funeral home. I was her only daughter. I was so angry because nobody else offered and I was so determined not to ask...I wouldn't have let them anyway, it was not their burden to carry.  My jaw was set as I walked out the door and down the sidewalk. I was expected to be the strong one, as always... taking me back to being a child and always being the one to carry the burden. I'm grateful to God for easing my burden over the last 16 years. I'm grateful to God for a strong shoulder to lean on... in Joe.

My Daddy

   Tomorrow marks a year. It's been a year since my daddy passed away. He was such a large force in my life for so long. Words usually come easy for me as I write, but the words for this... It's difficult.

   Daddy was the sun and the rest of us just rotated around him, careful to get too close for fear of heat.

   Daddy lived many lifetimes and I came along well into one of them. He first married at eighteen and went on to have eight children with his first wife.

   He married my mom when he was thirty-five and she twenty. I came along five years later.

   Laura became my step-mom when I was sixteen. It was difficult sharing him, but I was grateful for the moment to break-away from his orbit, at least enough to have a life of my own. With Laura came came six step-kids and an amazing baby sister. She is a Junior in high school as I turn thirty-seven. I am grateful for the richness they've added to our lives.

   My daddy was a good man in his soul, but he was long lost from it. I truly believe he loved deeply but his fears overruled him. He felt shame instead of Grace and with that he turned all that was good into mistrust and anger.Thats why its so hard for me to find the good times. He avoided them and kept them from me. From all of us.

I can find dads Grace, but to do so we have to drive. We drive to the Texas Hill Country. I can feel his goodness on the wind. I can see his love in the red streaks of the hills at sunset. I can see my dad as a boy in my sons as they splash in the river.

   Thats where we were when we heard the news. By a river watching Matthew catch a rainbow trout that continued to elude Joe. It was meant for Matthew to do. Friday, February 13th 2009. Leave it to my daddy to leave us on Friday the 13th.

The Backwards Motion of The Sexual Revolution

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition".  ~Timothy Leary

        We are stronger than men in every sense and yet we strive to be equal. Why do we lower our standards? The sexual revolution did little to help women find their power. I would even counter that it took us backwards in our fight. Proving the point that we were nothing more than sexual beings. It gave us a false sense of control, but what it really did was give men a constant plaything with no reason to revere us. Sure we may not get pregnant but men could still use us to their abandon. They no longer had to restrain their urges until they were ready to become fathers and husbands.  Men took this opportunity to place the burden of responsibility squarely on our shoulders as women. The goal should never have been to equate us to men but to EXALT us as women. To give power to our evolutionary and God-given design as caretakers and nurturers. To honor our mothers and their mothers before them. Instead woman of the movement looked down upon the very woman that raised them, shaming those that were stronger and worked harder than any of us have ever had to.


How free are we when even workplace equality has thrown of the balance of our lives by making it virtually impossible for one person to provide for their family? So many women entered the workforce at once that it was a financial boon for corporations everywhere. They could pay us less AND lay off our husbands at the same time. They continued by lowering mens salaries instead of raising womens. We can no longer choose lightly to raise our own children without the sense of guilt and burden we feel by placing so much of one partners shoulders.

 How free are we when we feel a profound sense of guilt for choosing not to take birth control. We, even as married women, feel that we are socially irresponsible, if we choose to avoid the  chemicals and hormones that MAY not work for us. We are racked with guilt as feminist women look down upon a woman like Sarah Palin for having the audacity to give birth to a child with down syndrome. Surely a woman that "chooses" that could NOT be an intelligent capable woman to look up to! Further, they rail against her daughter as she takes, once again, a vow of abstinence, snickering at the ignorance of a girl thinking that she may control her own sexual urges. They talk of freedom of choice as long as its not that "Duggar" woman that dares to have 18 children in this day and age.


My father was the biggest pro-feminist of them all, I can assure you. He saw absolutely no reason for my mom to stay home to raise me after I was born. He demanded that she return to waitressing six weeks after I was born and she never sealed the hole in her heart. Where was her power?


My husband and I worked together for eight years to build our lives and home, so that we could be prepared to raise a child. When I decided to stop working to raise my oldest, my father told me that I should be "ashamed of myself" for putting such an undue burden upon my husband. I took my power and my moms, along with the grace of God and a whole lot of prayer and I made the decision that was right for US.


This isn't to say that we shouldn't have birth control or the right to "equal work, equal pay" Surely, we do. Yet we need to look into our mirrors and ask WHY we are more tired than ever before, less happy than even our own mothers. HOW is it possible that we can have it all,  yet we seem to have less? WHAT is our new place in this world? WHEN did this happen and WHO caused our turmoil?  We did, by forgetting our mothers and what the real struggle was about. I think the mistake came when we turned it into a social and political movement instead of an evolving , natural process of society. We let too few speak for too many 


We don't need to find our equality, we need to find our Power.

"It's A Wonderful Life"... If you just look.

I love "It's A Wonderful Life". It is the one movie that I must see every Christmas. Without it's message I am lost in a jungle of greed and want. Its simple message is that each of us touches the world around us in ways that we may never see. Let your gift to the world make a positive difference in the life of another. We can't possibly please everyone, but we can make smile those that matter the most. There will always be "Mr. Potter's" in your life and you will never please them, so stop trying and be true to who you are.

A few lessons in giving from Emeka Okenwa on face book

 ...The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1st Samuel 16:7(NLT)

The beauty of what we do is in the reason for doing it. The whys and the wherefores of our every good works is what God looks at. The bible says,"Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing" 1st Corinthians 13:3(AMP). Love is greater than any other reason...Love is the grestest motive

Lets be Love motivated in our every action!

"And so faith, hope, love abide [faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine things; hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love--true affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us], these three; but the greatest of these is love."
1st Corinthians 13:13

...The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1st Samuel 16:7(NLT)

The beauty of what we do is in the reason for doing it. The whys and the wherefores of our every good works is what God looks at. The bible says,"Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or in order that I may glory, but have not love (God's love in me), I gain nothing" 1st Corinthians 13:3(AMP). Love is greater than any other reason...Love is the grestest motive

Lets be Love motivated in our every action!

"And so faith, hope, love abide [faith--conviction and belief respecting man's relation to God and divine things; hope--joyful and confident expectation of eternal salvation; love--true affection for God and man, growing out of God's love for and in us], these three; but the greatest of these is love."
1st Corinthians 13:13